OK, so we don't have a story about a team of dwarfs this week. However, what we do have is:
- A Benfica-employed flying robot
- Breaking Bad
- One dead (sadly) sheep
- Phil Scolari's guide to World Cup sex
- Hristo Stoichkov's porn habits
Yes the football world is becoming a scary place with robots flying around stadiums, fans going to extreme lengths to intimidate opponents and legendary former players being exposed as perverts. Add to that fear your weekly Mario Balotelli installment and an angry Italian football club chairman and you have yourselves this week's Football Circus...
Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? No, just a Drone carrying a Benfica Jersey
Keeping the crowd's interest peaked shouldn't be a particularly arduous task for a team like Benfica. But in case there were any yawning spectators in the crowd during their game against Rio Ave at the Estadio Da Luz on Monday, the club made sure the fans' minds remained focused on all things Benfica. How? By having drones fly around inside the stadium with Benfica jerseys attached for fans to grab.
The unorthodox marketing step was, at the very least innovative, and at best, a marketing breakthrough for the Portuguese giants. Luckily for the home side, their players were not distracted by the drones as they beat 10-man Rio Ave 4-0 to go a step closer to lifting the Portuguese title for the first time in four years.
Benfica's official Facebook page shared the following photo of one of their drones in action:
Maccabi Haifa summon the Spirit of Walter White
Maccabi Haifa took on title rivals Hapoel Beersheba last weekend and chose to intimidate their opponents by revealing a massive banner...of Breaking Bad character, Walter White.
The bizarre banner featuring the anti-hero who went by the pseudonym 'Heisenberg', also incorporated the tagline "I am not in danger, I am the danger".
Whether a cartoonised, bald Bryan Cranston with a quote from a fictional television show was indeed enough to strike fear into the hearts of the Hapoel Beersheba players, we'll never know. What we do know is that Maccabi ran out 2-0 victors and will likely continue using the intimidating banner if they go all the way and with the title this season.
Perhaps Hapoel's fans should get working on a Tony Soprano or Stringer Bell flag for next season.
Dead Sheep Hung outside Hannover 96 Training Ground
From Breaking Bad to Breaking Ba-aaaad.
While Maccabi Haifa's fans may have thought their Walter White banner was intimidating, fans of Eintracht Braunschweig took things up a notch. Before Eintracht's game with fierce rivals Hanover 96 on Sunday, a dead sheep was found on the fence of Hannover's training ground.
The sheep was not only painted in the Hannover club colours, but had a sign next to it which read: "On Sunday your time is up, you filthy animals".
Of course it could not be proven that it was Eintracht fans who hung the sheep, but the message along with the fact that the sheep was found two days prior to the game seem more than just coincidental. Local police stated:
"Today, at 07:00, a H96-employee saw a lamb on the fence of the H96 training complex and called the police.
"A vet has picked up the animal and checked the cause of death. The sign is being examined for traces. We're investigating for violations of the Animal Welfare Act".
Speaking to Bild newspaper, Hannover 96 sporting Director Dirk Duffner said:
"This is a twisted act of some individuals. This is incomprehensible and perverse".
And, like lambs to the slaughter, Hannover went on to lose the game 3-0.
Big Phil doesn't want Players playing out of Position of in the Bedroom
Rocky's trainer Mickey once told him "Women weaken legs". Indeed the debate, as to whether sex a day or two prior to a football match can affect a player's on pitch performance, has raged on for decades. In the lead up to a World Cup, many a coach will take the hardline and just ban players from sex outright. Brazilian coach Luis Felipe Scolari has this week announced what he will allow his players get upto in the bedroom during the tournament...And we're quite bemused...
Asked about whether he would impose a sex ban, as he did when he lead Brazil to the World Cup in 2002, Scolari responded:
"Normal sexual intercourses is made in a balanced way, but there are certain forms, certain ways and others who do acrobatics. And that, no".
What, exactly, Big Phil means by "acrobatic" is certainly open to interpretation and we fully expect a Karma Sutra-style manual to be issued to his squad in June.
One man who won't be worrying about Scolari's rules this year is Ronaldo, who said of the sex ban Scolari imposed on the 2002 squad:
"The manager would tell us that any player who cannot control his penis is not a man, but an irrational animal. The World Cup in 2002 was a wonderful memory but I will always remember the ache down below just as much as lifting the trophy".
Oh No Hristo! Bulgarian Legend Inadvertently Reveals his Porn Habit
Hristo Stoichkov will be known as a legend by Bulgaria and Barcelona fans alike for his on field brilliance. That much cannot be denied. However he may have slightly tarnished his reputation this week after becoming embroiled in a Twitter battle with some peeved fans.
The 48 year old had made comments on Spanish television whilst working as a pundit, which upset a number of fans due to his perceived biase towards Barcelona. Abusive messages began to clog up his Twitter timeline. So what better way for Stoichkov to shut them up than post a photo of himself in his heyday? Who are they to argue with the great Stoichkov? Ah yes Hristo, you sly old fox.
In his haste, however, Stoichkov posted a screengrab of a photo of himself from the official FIFA website...but forgot to close a tab on his browser entitled "Free Porn Sex Videos". Needless to say, the tweet was quickly deleted thereafter, and Stoichkov's retaliation abruptly ceased. Questioned about the porn viewing after being caught out, Stoichkov said, "Yep. Gotta get the job done!".
What's Mad Mario Upto This Week?
After we last week reported a quiet seven days for Balotelli, the mercurial one has this week thrown himself back into the spotlight once again by setting up an Instagram account.
Facebook and Twitter accounts do not appear to fulfill Mario's social media needs and he bombarded Instragram this week with a plethora of selfies and videos announcing his arrival on the website / app.
Going by the username 'mb459', Balotelli's comments on one of his photographs in particular drew attention - a photo which featured himself and supposed 'ex' girlfriend Fanny Neguesha.
The photo was accompanied by the following comment from Super Mario:
"And Now what re you gonna say? Good night everyone!".
"And Now what re you gonna say? Good night everyone!".
This came on foot of rumours a fortnight ago that Balotelli and Neguesha were no longer an item. Obviously Balotelli is aiming to set the record straight on that front.
The striker was on Monday spotted driving his red Ferrari around Milan, before travelling to Genoa where he helped AC to 2-1 away victory after coming on as a 74th minute substitute.
Italian Football Story of the Week
- De Laurentiis gets Shirty with Fan
Italian football club chairman often grab more headlines that the players they have in their ranks. Napoli chariman Aurelio De Laurentiis is no exception and the man who is also a prominent film producer in Italy, was in the limelight this week as he lost his temper with a fan after his side's 1-0 defeat to Parma.
An angry De Laurentiis was caught on camera grabbing a Napoli fan by the collar, by RAI programme 'La Domenica Sportiva' as they attempted to interview him. His security guards quickly convinced him that such actions were not becoming of a man in his position and he retreated to his vehicle.
De Laurentiis, at least in the face of the media, appears to have immediately regretted his actions and subsequently apologised to the fan in question. Said De Laurentiis:
"I have great respect for all fans and obviously a predilection for Napoli ones.
"I have always said that in me, during a game and in the 20 minutes afterwards, there live two contrary souls.
"There is the soul of the fan who participated in the victory or defeat of his team and the soul of the President.
"Yesterday I was distraught and disappointed by the result as well as the refereeing, which saw a penalty denied that could’ve changed the course of the game.
"I left quickly and got into the car to go to the airport. A fan suddenly shouted at me through the car window.
"Under the emotional effects of the game, I got down perhaps in an excessively aggressive manner to ask him what he had to complain about. After a few seconds, I got back into the car and was driven to the airport.
"Having arrived in Rome, I immediately contacted the fan via Nicola Lombardo. In the phone call I apologised for what happened and invited him to a cordial meeting in my office".
Artist's Impression of the Week
- 'Animals get Sheepish around Hannover Stadium'
Football Recommendation of the Week
- LFC Day Trippers; A decidely impressive fansite as fansites go, LFC Day Trippers, is a Liverpool dedicated website for the fans, by the fans. In additional to some stellar opinion columns, their podcast in particular is well worth checking out.
Non-Football Recommendation of the Week
- Calvary; "Set in Sligo, Ireland, Calvary is a blackly comic drama about a good priest tormented by various members of his community".
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