It’s been a roller-coaster week for the world of football. Leagues finishing, teams relegated and promoted and cup finals…Not to mention the mayhem that took place at FIFA this week and transfer rumour silly season getting well under way. It was ultimately a sad week at Football Circus however, as we learned of the passing of Irish football broadcasting legend Bill O'Herlihy…More on that in our Football Recommendation of the Week. First, get your fill of your weekly football nonsense as we report on a Canary-dream ruining dog, Pep Guardiola getting covered in beer, Christians being robbed by a former footballer and a bottle of barbeque sauce…
Football Circus Clown Quote of the Week
“I am a mountain goat that keeps going and going and going, I cannot be stopped, I just keep going”.
- Sepp ‘Mountain Goat’ Blatter, who later this week found that the organisation he heads up is being done for corruption, the silly old goat.
Dog Almost Ruins Canaries Fan’s Dreams
A Norwich fan last week found himself in the depths of despair after finding his dog had taken a shine to his playoff final tickets and ate them!
Matt Grimmer told ITV News that he was in a meeting last week and was interrupted by his wife calling him to say there was an emergency at home.
Said Grimmer:
“The phone rang a couple of times and I ignored it.
"I could see it was my wife ringing me. Then a text came through saying, ‘can you ring me urgently?’
"I excused myself from the meeting thinking that something had happened to a family member”.
To Grimmer’s horror, he was informed that the dog had eaten his cherished tickets.
He traveled to the Carrow Road ticket office in the hope that he might get replacements, explaining to staff that Freddie the cockapoo had munched the tickets.
“As I was queuing up, I explained what had happened and was told, ‘yeah, we’ve heard some excuses in the past’.
"Eventually, I pulled my tickets out and they couldn’t believe it. I had tried to sellotape them together but it wasn’t savable”.
Luckily for Grimmer, the understanding staff gave him replacement tickets, which Grimmer will most certainly have kept out of the reach of his pedigree chum. Norwich won the game 2-0, securing them Premier League football next season.
Guardiola Gets Soaked by Beer-Wielding Boateng
Bayern Munich celebrated winning the Bundesliga title in traditional fashion at the weekend, as they guzzled beer by the glass…well at least the beer that they hadn’t poured over each other. One individual who was never going to escape a drenching on the day was manager Pep Guardiola. Bayern’s German centre back Jerome Boateng made a special effort to ensure his Catalan gaffer was soaked in beer, but footage of the beer-pouring suggests that Pep was none too pleased by the antics.
Boateng told bundesliga.com afterwards:
“It wasn’t easy to give Pep Guardiola a beer shower today as he hid himself better than he did last year! I hope we win the Bundesliga again next season but for the moment it’s time to celebrate this year’s championship because we’ve really deserved it. Today we’ll celebrate because that’s what we fought for from the start of the season. We’re not thinking about the finals [we’re missing out on] in Berlin”.
The Money was Just Resting in my Account - Ex Charlton Defender Alleged to have Stolen Millions from Church
Former Charlton defender Richard Rufus has appeared at the high court in England, having been accused of scamming the Kingsway International Christian Center out of £5 million. The ex-centre back is also accused of owing £18 million to 93 investors after a failed investment scheme saw him declared bankrupt in October 2013.
Rufus, a born-again Christian, has already missed a number of court hearings, claiming:
“God is my only judge”.
Last Wednesday he was given 14 days to compile his evidence for the case.
Tempers Spill Over as Giant Bottle of BBQ Sauce is Victim of Horror Tackle
35 year old Australian defender John Hutchinson was given a testimonial on Saturday by his club side Central Coast Mariners. The match saw a number of the A-League club mascots take to the field…one of which was a man/woman dressed as a giant bottle of barbeque sauce.
The 'bottle’ decided that despite it being the testimonial of 'Hutch’, it was his/her turn in the limelight and opted to dribble the ball until he/she was through on goal. What the bottle hadn’t accounted for, was the possibility of Mariners centre-back Brent Griffiths not taking to kindly to a giant bottle of barbeque sauce scoring in front of his home fans.
Griffiths gave chase to the bottle and chopped it down on the edge of the box. The referee had no hesitation in showing Griffiths a straight red, which from our research, was the first red card ever brandished for tackling a bottle of barbeque sauce.
David Luiz last week hit the headlines following his baptism in Maxwell’s swimming pool (yes, you read that right). Quotes attributed to him regarding abstinence from sex until after marriage were misunderstood to mean that he is a virgin.
This week, Luiz has come out to clarify that he has indeed, gotten jiggy with it in the past.
Said the Brazilian in an interview with the BBC:
“My religion, my baptism, I’m very happy. People are saying things everywhere about whether I’m a virgin or not. I’m not a virgin.
"Some people in the press don’t respect people in life. I can put my head on my pillow and sleep great because I respect everyone”.
So there you have it. David Luiz has popped his cherry for those of you who were concerned over the whole debacle.
What’s Mad Mario Upto this Week?
After Liverpool’s embarrassing 6-1 final day defeat to Stoke at the weekend (in which Balo failed to appear), the striker posted a photo to Instagram with the caption:
“Thanks to Liverpool fans for this year …. I m loading for next season. #beast”.
This would suggest that Super Mario believes he will remain at Anfield next season in spite of an extremely poor showing this year.
Not that any concerns about his career seem to be deterring him from having fun. He and his brother Enoch were filmed on Segways this week, though the pair didn’t seem to have much luck in controlling them…
That’s been it from Mario this week and really, it’s a week that sums up his season - A big fat pile of nothing. Hopefully the summer will at least give us something interesting to write about the the decreasingly 'Mad’ Mario.
Italian Football Story of the Week
- Inzaghi Gets Desperate
Pippo Inzaghi’s AC Milan career appeared to crash to a halt on Saturday after he was sent off at half time for dissent in his side’s 3-0 victory over Torino. With rumours rife that it was the former striker’s last game in charge at Milan, he told Sky Sports Italia:
“Coaches can only do so much, it’s the players who make the difference and we saw that tonight. We’d been playing well for four games.
"It’s a huge regret that we are only now getting our players back to fitness and the season is ending.
"I have to say that the team was always right behind me and for a Coach making his Serie A debut like me that is something special.
"I have a contract. Until I am told otherwise, I will continue. If I am given time, I am convinced that I can take Milan back to where it was.
"It’s not easy to transform everything, but the squad has solid foundations to build on for next season.
"If I’m given the chance to continue at Milan, then great, otherwise I will continue this profession elsewhere.
"I think for a Coach the most important thing is to have the players on your side. There have been more important and prestigious Coaches than me who struggled here. I can only hope and say that this is a fantastic profession.
"I just hope that I can stay on because I have a lot more to give and these club colours are inside my heart”.
Artist’s Impression of the Week
- 'Keep a Lid on It!’; Barbeque sauce bottle is victim of horror tackle.
Football Recommendation of the Week
- RTE Sport Bill O'Herlihy Tribute; It was a sad week this week as we learned of the passing of legendary Irish football broadcaster Bill O'Herlihy. Together with Irish legends John Giles, Liam Brady and Eamon Dunphy, O'Herlihy made up what was surely one of the most popular and long-lasting football panels in the world. O'Herlihy covered ten World Cups and ten Olympic games in his time - a phenomenal feat by anyone’s reckoning. As it happens, O'Herlihy retired from broadcasting after last year’s World Cup final, so after his sad passing, we think it fitting that this week’s football recommendation of the week is the tribute video made for him by RTE Sport for his 2014 retirement.
- Mad Max: Fury Road; If it’s explosions, car chases, fighting and non-stop action you’re looking for, Mad Max: Fury Road is the film for you. Probably the most entertained you’ll be in the cinema this year.
As many domestic leagues draw to a close this week, the show goes on at Football Circus and in this week's edition we edition we have your usual roundup of football nonsense from around the world. We look at Brett Ormerod's strange new career choice, David Luiz's baptism (no, really), Louis Van Gaal's drunken speech and a Turkish manager who gets creative with his lengthy ban.
Football Circus Clown Quote of the Week
"Anyone who makes a mistake like that will be punished very, very bigly".
- Sky Sports' La Liga co-commentator Gerry Armstrong, who has been living in Spain so long he's forgotten how to speak English.
Super-Sub Ormerod
Former Blackburn and Southampton forward Brett Ormerod has taken an unlikely career step. The 39 year old has applied to venture into the world of fast food and open a Subway restaurant.
In an interview with the Times, Ormerod said of his plans:
"People assume all footballers are millionaires, but I'm not. I don't think Lisa will let me make the sandwiches, but I'll do the sweeping up. I've not got an ego; you're not allowed one in my family".
Ormerod has to go through an application process to open a branch of the franchise and if successful, will open a Subway in Blackburn. However he may continue to play football after confirming that a recent injury wasn't a serious as first suspected:
"I thought I'd broken my leg at first. I managed to get myself up and limped on for a few minutes, but I had to be substituted. The thing I fear most is actually stopping playing football".
Luiz Fails to Score
PSG and Brazil defender David Luiz this week revealed a shocking fact about himself...He is still a virgin. The former Chelsea man, a devout Christian, was baptised in the indoor swimming pool of club and country team-mate Maxwell, in Paris.
Luiz posted an Instagram photo of his baptism, accompanied by the following message:
"I have chosen to wait.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV).
"How wonderful to live with you Lord, thank You for loving me so much and take care of me! My life is yours, and I am your servant! What 're always in the center of all my decisions! I love my God! amen".
Van Gaal Gives Memorable Speech at Man United Awards
Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal gave one of the most memorable speeches in the club's history at the team's annual player of the year awards last night. Van Gaal, who may have had a tipple or two prior to getting on stage, had the audience in fits of laughter.
His speech went as follows:
"When you start a season with 10 matches and 13 points and you are a manager of that club, the most world famous club and you play at home and I am also a human being and I have the experience with other clubs.
"When you have that result you are not very beloved by your fans and I came in the stadium of Old Trafford, 10 matches, 13 points and I came in and I saw by myself how I have to behave myself and then the public are applauding, standing up and I thought how is it possible that the fans are supporting me?
"Thanks to that we could continue. Not only me, my staff but especially the players because it is not so easy when you are playing in a great club that you have 10 matches, 13 points and a new manager who demands in another way than all the other managers.
"It’s very difficult and with all the injuries of the first part of the season and then we continue with a spirit in the team, unbelievable, and that’s the credit of this team, the spirit. We come from I thought in my memory 13th place to third position in the league.
"After so bad start. And then we had to believe the players but also the staff that we could end second. I remember the meeting with the players with the captain Wayne Rooney who’s saying ‘we go for the second position in the league and I said yes. We go for it!’
"You remember the game against Arsenal. We were the better team and the best player on the pitch in my opinion makes an error and we lose that game and I forget the meeting. And then you have to remember that we win six games in a row.
"And then we go to Chelsea. You remember away game against Chelsea? No, no, no, you have to listen. I ask you to listen.
"Because at that time we have 50 points and then Rooney sat in the dressing room we go for the second place, he said that. Then six games in a row we win and then we go to Chelsea.
"Who are the better team then? It’s easy to say that now in this room. I can believe it but it was the truth but we lost. We lost that game but can you imagine when you have 80 per cent ball possession you have 10 big possibilities and they have three, they have three and they win the game.
"When we win that game count the numbers of points we could have won because after that we lost three games in a row. But when you see that we have 13 points and Chelsea have 83 points and we could have been champions.
"What I want to say to you, we are very close.
"But as a manager I know that if is not counting, if is not counting, we have to produce more. And believe me the players but also the staff but also the organisation like Manchester United shall do their utmost best and why? Because we have the best fans of the world. Thank you for that and I will see you next season again.
"I want to say something. Pay attention to the manager!
"Ryan Giggs said to me, and he is always right but in this case particularly right. I have said to you you are the best fans in the world but tonight I was a little bit disappointed and I shall say why.
"I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her big applause!".
A manager came up with an ingenius, albeit potentially expensive, method of watching his team play this week after being handed down a nine and a half month ban by Turkey's Professional Football Disciplinary Board.
Hamit Isik, who manages Corum Beledivespor, was given the lengthy ban prior to his side's third division play-off first leg clash with Darcia Genclerbirligi. The ban means that Isik cannot even watch his team from the stands. He was determined to catch the game, come hell or high water, so he did what any sane man would do in the same situation...He hired a crane.
He may have regretted his investment however, as he watched the two sides play out a 0-0 draw.
It was an emotional day at Anfield on Saturday as Steven Gerrard bid farewell to the Liverpool fans having played his last home game for the club. Not one to miss out on a big occasion despite not actually playing, Super Mario got in on the act by writing Stevie G a goodbye letter, then posting it to Instagram.
The letter read:
"Stevie...
I had the honour to play with you, not for long but still an amazing and unforgettable experience for me.
You are a great man and a cool captain! It's a pleasure to leave free kicks and penalties to you.
I wish you all the best for your next venture and your family. You deserve the best.
Good luck my friend.
Mario Balotelli
45".
Meanwhile, Balo has been banned from driving for 28 days after being caught speeding. The striker was clocked doing speeds of 109 km/h on the M62 near Liverpool in his £240,000 Ferrari. He was also given a rather paltry fine of £800.
Italian Football Story of the Week
- Montella Criticises Viola Fans
Fiorentina went crashing out of the Europa League last week, having suffered a 5-0 aggregate defeat to Sevilla in the semi-finals of the competition. The result has seen a backlash from fans of the Florence club. However manager Vincenzo Montella has taken none too kindly to the fans' criticism and in his Sunday press conference, he confirmed he would "go up against an entire city" to defend his team.
Said Montella:
"I think this team does not deserve to be derided.
"They can be jeered and insulted, but I will defend this group. My lads deserve to be defended and I am prepared to go up against an entire city if needed. "The thing that most irritated me was seeing us derided by the fans and this really hurt the squad. The fans in Florence have accompanied us for three years and it would be counter-productive to hurt ourselves this way.
"Since I started in football I have never seen something like that for a team that achieved these results. They started applauding whenever there was possession and there was even a Mexican wave on the missed penalty. "The fans and media tell us we got it wrong, so we can say somebody in that stadium had the wrong attitude.
"If a son tries to do something that is beyond him and fails, you don’t make fun of him. I hope tomorrow the fans will support us.
"Like it or not, this is Fiorentina’s status. The Presidents have no debts and in future this will be an advantage, but for the moment we have to work within those parameters.
"At the end of the season we’ll meet up and work out what objectives this club wants to achieve. That’s not the priority right now".
Artist's Impression of the Week
- 'Bird's Eye View'; Manager goes to extreme lengths to watch his team.
Football Recommendation of the Week
- Adidas Predator football boots; After it was this week announced by Adidas that they would be replacing their famous Predator boots with a new range, we found it fitting to name the iconic footwear as this week's football recommendation of the week.
- Ex Machina; "Caleb Smith (Domhnall Gleeson), a programmer at an internet search giant, wins a competition to spend a week at the private mountain estate of the company's brilliant and reclusive CEO, Nathan Bateman (Oscar Isaac). Upon his arrival, Caleb learns that Nathan has chosen him to be the human component in a turing test - charging him with evaluating the capabilities, and ultimately the consciouness, of Nathan's latest experiment in articial intelligence. That experiment is Ava (Alicia Vikander), a breathtaking A.I. whse emotional intelligence proves more sophisticated - and more deceptive - than the two men could have imagined".
This would suggest that Super Mario believes he will remain at Anfield next season in spite of an extremely poor showing this year.
Not that any concerns about his career seem to be deterring him from having fun. He and his brother Enoch were filmed on Segways this week, though the pair didn’t seem to have much luck in controlling them…
That’s been it from Mario this week and really, it’s a week that sums up his season - A big fat pile of nothing. Hopefully the summer will at least give us something interesting to write about the the decreasingly 'Mad’ Mario.
