footballcircus: Sex and Frogs and Afros

This week's Football Circus is brought to you by the letter F (for 'frog invasion', 'failed football career after getting caught having sex in a dugout' and 'Fellainis') and the number 1 (for Nicklas Bendtner, who is in contention to be take the crown as the number 1 clown in football). So if we've peaked your curiousity or you're a Sesame Street fan, read on for another week's Football Circus...

Football Circus Clown Quote of the Week

"I get the feeling that Arsenal have to turn up to win this game".

- That's the kind of insightful opinion the British taxpayer will get on BBC with Alan Shearer.

Afroed Brothers Almost Fool Mourinho

Jose Mourinho got one up on his former boss Louis Van Gaal at the weekend when his Chelsea side beat Van Gaal's Manchester United 1-0. However, it almost wasn't to be after United's Marouane Fellaini attempted to pull the wool over the Chelsea boss' eyes.

Mourinho had apparently prepared for the game with a plan to neutralise the on form Fellaini. According to The Mirror, Mourinho was informed by the doorman at the hotel where the Chelsea squad had stayed, that Fellaini was out of the game, throwing the Portuguese's game plan into disarray.

The newspaper quotes Mourinho as having said:

"I came down in the morning and the doorman said, ‘Fellaini isn’t playing’. The doorman asked him, ‘What do you want here?’ He said, ‘I’m Fellaini and I’ve come to get tickets from my friend Eden Hazard’.

"Didn’t smell well for me. I go to Google on my phone and I put in Fellaini brother. The guy is the same. So I go with the pictures to the doorman. I say, ‘This one or this one?’ He looks, ‘This one’.

"F*** off, he’s the brother".

Bendtner Tries to keep the Wolves at Bay

Nicklas Bendtner's name has been featured on Football Circus on more than one occasion previously and he's back this week, once again for all the wrong reasons. Bendtner hit the headlines this week after being dropped for his club side Wolfsburg's clash with Schalke on Sunday. With Wolfsburg fans curious as to whether the Dane had picked up an injury, manager Dieter Hecking was forced to speak out and reveal the real reason the ex-Arsenal man did not appear:

"Nicklas was going to play from the beginning but our training session was clearly earlier than he thought.

Hecking later told newspaper BT:

"As a team we have some rules that everyone should keep. When you break those rules you have to take the consequences. But we have spoken to Nicklas and everything is OK again".

The team's sporting executive, Klaus Allofs, added:

“There are a lot of ways of finding out when training is. And it is not as if there is that much traffic in Wolfsburg".

However, speaking to Kicker, Allofs seemed a little more forgiving:

"He was late for the final training session on Saturday. We have strict rules, and that resulted in him not making the squad.

"He was an hour late.

"He certainly did not do that on purpose. He simply assumed a wrong time".

Bendtner himself at least recognised his mistake in an Instagram post which was accompanied by the message:

"Stay strong and look forward. Mistakes can be made, but you got to deal with it and keep progressing".

Hart-Broken: Clitheroe FC Sack Striker Jay Hart after Sex Tape Emerges

It's not often we hear about Clitheroe FC (in fact if we're honest, we hadn't heard of them at all prior to this week). But the English non-league team were in the news this week after they were forced to part ways with striker Jay Hart. The reason? Footage was leaked of Hart having sex with an unknown blonde in the manager's dugout at Mossley AFC, the team against whom Clitheroe had played on Saturday. What's more, Hart was wearing a club t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms.

A club statement following the incident read:

"Following a NON-FOOTBALL RELATED incident at Mossley AFC yesterday. Jay Hart has been dismissed from the club".

Club chairwoman Anne Barker told the Daily Mail:

"It has brought the club into disrepute and it's not proper for him to scupper our reputation. I expect our players to act professionally.

"It was brought to my attention on Saturday night and dealt with through the management. I did offer to speak to him myself but Simon (the manager) said he would take care of it".

To make matters worse, Hart has a girlfriend, Bryony Hibbert. Hibbert, clearly upset by the whole fiasco, took to Clitheroe's Facebook page to scorn those who had leaked the video:

"Have a bit of decency for the people it's affected. Thank God my kids are too young to read. It's disgusting. I bet their families are far from perfect".

Hart himself has had the following to say:

"All I want say is that I regret doing what I did.

"I was drunk, I'd had more than a few drinks, and I want to say I'm sorry to my family and everyone involved at Clitheroe.

"I regret that I did it, not that I got caught.

"I've spoken and tried to sort things out with Bryony.

"Everyone in the world knows about it, I just want to get my apology out there.
"I haven't seen the girl since, I don't have a clue who she is, don't have a clue".

Toad in the Goal: Matched Abandoned in Switzerland due to Frogs

An amateur game in Zurich was called off last week under bizarre circumstances - Thousands of frogs had invaded the pitch!

The match between Embrach and Raterschen made it as far as the 41st minute before it had to be called off due to the frog invasion. The reptilian visitors were not too popular, as the match had already seen four goals and at 2-2, was already proving to be a thrilling encounter.

In an interview with 20 Minuten newspaper, the Embrach vice president Sandro Caviola, when asked if he had ever witnessed a frog invasion before, had the following to say:

"It has occurred on and off.

"But something like Friday we have never experienced before.

"The frogs were travelling to the forest — unfortunately, our pitch is on the way there".

What's Mad Mario Upto this Week?

Super Mario appeared as a second half substitute in Liverpool's 1-0 F.A. Cup semi-final defeat to Aston Villa on Sunday. He had little influence on the game but did put the ball in the net after the referee's whistle had blown as Balo was incorrectly adjudged to have been offside. Clearly aggrieved, the Italian later took to Instagram to highlight the fact that the match officials had made the wrong decision. He posted a photo which proved he was onside and the caption:

"No words. This picture say it all. (Congratulation to Aston Villa) anyway.. And guys HEAD UP we are Liverpool and YNWA expecially when we lose".

Balotelli's misery continued as Liverpool were forced to remove his name from a player of the year poll on their website, after it was hijacked by Manchester United and Arsenal fans who flooded the website with sarcastic votes for the striker, whose season has been less than impressive. His name was later reinstated, though at this point it is questionable whether any votes for him will be taken seriously.

Meanwhile ex-Liverpool striker Michael Owen has told the Daily Star that the Reds' purchase of Balo was a gamble which hasn't paid off.

Said Owen:

"It is a gamble and a lot of people said they didn't really think it was good business.

"But there were plenty of people saying at £16m there was a bit of value.

"And let's get it right, Brendan Rodgers knew it was a risk, he wasn't really sure about him, there just wasn't anyone else.

"Divock Origi, they've signed but couldn't get him until the end of this coming season.

"He knew it was a risk and he is a very good player".

Italian Football Story of the Week

- Mexes Hoping to Extend Stay in Milan

Following AC Milan's 0-0 draw with city rivals Inter, Milan's French centre back Philippe Mexes has revealed his wish to stay with the Rossoneri beyond the end of the season. The stalwart, whose contract expires after the current campaign, has yet to be offered a new deal.

Whilst at a charity function this week, Mexes stated:

"A renewal? I hope so.

"I live ‘carpe diem’, day-by-day, but for my family it would be important to know where we’re going. That’s the only thing that irritates me slightly.

"As for the rest, I’ll just give my utmost until the end of the season".

Of the dull Milan derby, Mexes found it hard to find positives:

"The important thing is that we didn’t lose, and we have to look to take as many points as possible in the coming games.

"There’s a bit of disappointment, we could have done better. It’s a shame, you need personality in the derby.

"It’s in the past now, and we must look ahead".

Artist's Impression of the Week

- 'Toad in the Goal'; Frog invasion causes match to be abandoned in Switzerland.

Football Recommendation of the Week

- The UEFA Champions League; In what is perhaps our laziest recommendation of all time, we are this week recommending the Champions League. We couldn't resist after that Bayern display on Tuesday evening.

http://www.uefa.com/uefachampionsleague/