A man so disturbed he has his friends secretly film he and his girlfriend having intercourse; a footballer so dejected that he blows his earnings on eighteen prostitutes; and a goat worshiped by thousands. Apart perhaps from some kind of sordid adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson fairytale or maybe a Frank Miller graphic novel, where would you get it? That's right, the 99th edition of Football Circus! There's also a BBC reporter cum linesman and your regular Balotelli and Italian football updates. So without further ado, here's your last Football Circus before we hit treble figures...
Football Circus Clown Quote of the Week
"Tony Pulis knows you need to score goals to win football matches".
- The genius that is, Paul Merson.
Ujah Apologises for Acting the Goat while Leeds Supporting Dog Spotted in Wigan Crowd
FC Cologne's Anthony Ujah got himself into trouble with animal rights activists this week after an over-zealous celebration with a goat named Hennes VIII, the club's mascot.
Ujah scored the fourth of a 4-1 victory for his team over Eintracht Frankfurt. He saw no better way to celebrate than to run over to Hennes and vigorously pull his head back by the horns, whilst screaming loudly, before attempting to mount the beast.
Ujah posted an Instagram message regarding the celebration:
"Apologies to Hennes for my hard celebration".
He then tweeted on the matter:
"Yeeeeees. Finally a win for us at home and what a special way it came. Sorry to Hennes i was a bit too hard on him".
Both posts were later deleted.
Later in the week, Ujah helped Hennes VIII celebrate his eighth birthday at Cologne Zoo. Training? Nah, not today mate, I'm feeding carrots to a goat at the zoo.
Meanwhile, a Leeds fan was snapped at Wigan's DW Stadium celebrating with his dog after his team's 1-0 victory. Quite how the dog (unless it was a guide dog) managed to gain entry is beyond us...
The Linesman Is A...BBC Reporter?!
Young BBC reporter Matt Mesiano got a shock on Saturday when on duty to report at the Hemel Hempstead Town - Bath City match. Instead of spending his afternoon giving score updates, Mesiano found himself running up and down the touch line as linesman Chris Wicks pulled up with a hamstring injury after ten minutes. After the referee asked all in sundry to fill in, Mesiano, an amateur referee, decided to put his name forward.
Of his foray into match officiating, Mesiano told BBC Sport (obviously):
"There was a decent crowd, so I was a bit nervous, but I don’t think it went too badly.
"I’m a level seven referee, which is junior county level, so I’m used to being watched by one man and his dog rather than crowds of 700-800.
"In the ninth minute assistant referee Chris Wicks went down with a tight calf muscle and couldn't continue.
"In the ninth minute assistant referee Chris Wicks went down with a tight calf muscle and couldn't continue.
"The referee, Robert Hyde, came over to the benches and asked for a neutral qualified official, and there didn't seem to be anybody else other than myself that fitted that description.
"There was a 10-minute break for me to put on the other lad’s outfit, luckily for me we were the same size.
"I do spent quite a bit of time at the club, covering it, so lots of people knew who I was.
"There was one moment in the first half when I flagged for a free-kick for Hemel, but the referee decided he wanted to play on, and the incident ended up with Bath City scoring.
"I did what I felt was correct, so that was an awkward moment, but nobody seemed to think it was not right".
Hemel lost the game 3-0.
Adriano and the 18 Prostitutes
If Adriano spots his name on Football Circus, it's usually not good news for him. Previous headlines regarding the former Brazil star include 'Sadriano' and 'Badriano'. You get the gist. Unfortunately we couldn't think of a follow up for a story involving Adriano and eighteen prostitutes (suggestions on a postcard please).
Ex-Inter striker Adriano saw a move to French side Le Harve break down in January - A move which he may well have believed was the one to get his career back on track (though there have been of these before). So, according to Brazilian news agency Extra, he did what any overpaid footballer with more money than sense would do to cheer himself up: Spend €18,000 cash on 18 prostitutes at a Copacabana brothel.
According to the Extra report, the brothel had to close for the evening, as most of their workers were 'entertaining' the 33 year old man child.
Senseless Sanchez - Arsenal Winger's Ex Unimpressed
Arsenal's Chilean superstar Alexis Sanchez recently made headlines after being dumped by his supermodel girlfriend, Laia Grassi, having been caught texting another woman. Now another former girlfriend, Valentina Roth, has lifted the lid on what led to the end of her relationship with Sanchez. Roth has revealed that she once caught the winger's friends hiding in a closet, filming the couple as they were em...bumping uglies.
In an interview with the Daily Star, Roth (who we presume is in no way attempting to cash in on her connection with Sanchez) said:
"He might be a role model for many people and he’s going to be loved by Arsenal fans all the time he’s scoring goals for them.
"But I hate him and I’ll never forgive him for what happened to me that night.
"Maybe Alexis thinks it’s funny to film a woman he’s making love to but I bet he’d be furious if someone did the same to his mum or his sister.
"Compared to my current boyfriend he’s very average. And he’s someone who’s still got a lot of growing up to do.
"I’ll be honest, it was always just sex.
"I erased Alexis from my life afterwards and I want everyone in Britain now to know what happened.
"You don’t treat a woman like that. It was completely disrespectful and such a surprise because up to then he’d always been a gentleman.
"I was naked and was sat on top of Alexis making love to him when I heard a noise coming from the closet.
"I asked him if he had heard too but he put his hands over my ears although he tried to half-disguise it by caressing my hair at the same time.
"A few seconds later I heard the door of the closet creaking and turned round to see it being pulled to.
"I jumped up and opened it and saw the two imbecile friends of Alexis who I thought were still in the living room standing there red-faced holding up a mobile phone.
"I swore at him and told him that if he wasn’t Alexis Sanchez no woman would be with him because he was very ordinary.
"Alexis phoned me as I got into a taxi and offered to take me home but I declined. I haven’t spoken to him since and I don’t ever want to speak to him again".
What's Mad Mario Upto this Week?
It's been a quiet week on the pitch for Mario Balotelli. Balo failed to hit the target once again, having been brought on as a substitute in Liverpool's F.A. Cup tie with Blackburn. BBC's co-commentator for the televisied match was ex-Liverpool player Mark Lawrenson, who was scathing in his analysis of Balo's performance. Said Lawro:
"Forget about Mario Balotelli.
"He is an absolute waste of time. He shouldn't be anywhere near this team.
"I can see why Brendan Rodgers threw him on today as he might just create something, but 99 times out of 100 he will let you down".
It seems Balotelli can't escape criticism these days, with even his current team mates getting in on the act. In an interview for a segment called 'Team Mates' on Liverpool's club channel, LFCTV, Reds midfielder Joe Allen conceded that the Italian striker is indeed the laziest player at the club.
Not that Super Mario would seem to care. He jetted off to Milan this week to check in on his former team mates. He made sure to publicise the matter, posting a photo to Instragram of himself and Milan pal Stephan El Shaarawy, with the caption, "Milan, what a pleasure to see you".
He also posted a video to his Instagram account this week of himself being chased around a boxing ring by a dog. Liverpool fans may be surprised to discover just how fast he can move when he wants to.
Italian Football Story of the Week
- Zola Fired by Cagliari
It's been less than three months since Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola took over at Italian Serie A side Cagliari. Having suffered five defeats in six league games, Cagliari now lie in 18th place in the table, four points off safety.
A statement from the club read:
"Cagliari announces it has dismissed Gianfranco Zola and his staff.
"It’s a painful decision taken by the club with respect to a great man that has written unforgettable pages in this club’s history books, giving lustre and international prestige to the land of Sardinia.
"We wish to thank him and his staff for the work, dedication and passion shown in recent months.
"We wish all of them the best in their careers".
Bizarrely, the man who may replace Zola is none other than Zdenek Zeman, whom Zola took over from as manager and is still on the pay roll of the club.
Those crazy Italians, eh?
Artist's Impression of the Week
- 'Closet Dwellers'; Sanchez's mates caught spying on his sex escapades by girlfriend.
Football Recommendation of the Week
- Football Cliches (Adam Hurrey); "The more football Adam Hurrey watched, the more he began to spot the recurring mannerisms, behaviours, opinions and iconography that were mindlessly repeated in the football media. Some cliches are ridiculous, some are quaintly outdated, some have survived through their sheer indisputability. Here, featuring gloriously pseudo-scientific diagrams and the inimitable writing style that made footballcliches.com a smash hit, they are covered in all their glory".
Non Football Recommendation of the Week
- Got to Give It Up (Marvin Gaye); Ain't no blurred lines about our non-football recommendation this week. Yep, it's been all over the news this week and it's a damn fine tune too, so why not give Marvin a listen...
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