Golden Clown Shoe Awards 2013

With the end of the year looming, what better way to say goodbye to 2013 than to start handing out awards? It is often deemed a time of reflection afterall. So here at Football Circus we've come up with the Golden Clown Shoe Award. Perhaps not as illustrious or esteemed as the Golden Boot or the World Cup's Golden Shoe awards, this special honour is reserved for one individual who we deem to have been the biggest clown of 2013.

Since our inaugaration back in March, the football world has given us much to be thankful for. Corruption. Greed. Scandal. And maybe the biggest gift of all, downright and utter stupidity. So throw a log on the fire, tell the Christmas carol singers to get out of your garden or you'll call the police and put your feet up, as we count down through the list of the 15 biggest football clowns this year.

15. Mario Balotelli (Featued in Football Circus edition 6)

Perhaps not so much a clown as an entertainer, a jester if you will, Mario Balotelli has undoubtedly been the most featured individual ever on Football Circus. While not adverse to the odd bout of clowning around, he's a far more complex character to just be labelled a clown and hence, will not scale any higher on this particular ladder.

Italian Football Story of the Week

- No Ifs or Butts, Balotelli Guilty of Smoking on Train

Two weeks ago in this very segment we reported Mario's Balotelli's claims of his love life being the reason for his new found calmness since moving back to Italy.

We may have been mistaken, for it seems Super Mario likes to destress with a cigarette, even if he has to smoke it on a train.

As AC Milan travelled to Florence ahead of their Seria A game against Fiorentina last week, Balotelli snuck off to the toilet to light up.

His plan was foiled though when a train guard noticed smoke emerging from the toilet and Balotelli was promptly ordered to put out the cigarette or face having to get off the train.

The preceding match saw Milan throw away a two goal lead to draw 2-2 with Fiorentina. Balotelli argued with a match official while Milan vice president Adriano Galliani was escorted from his seat by security after getting into a heated dispute with fans.

Balotelli may not be the only one at Milan craving a cigarette at this rate.

14. Emmanuel Frimpong (Featued in Football Circus edition 28)

Like Balotellli, Frimpers is a regular on Football Circus at this stage. Featured predominantly for his social network posts, he has rarely featured for Arsenal this year and seems to spend most of his time posting photoshopped pictures onto Instagram which are quite frankly awful. A truer clown than Balotelli, but lacking a stand out story to rank any higher than 14th.

Frimpong Busy on Instagram Again

Emmanuel Frimpong has been featuring quite heavily on Football Circus in recent weeks, predominantly for his 'feud' with former Arsenal teammate Samir Nasri. The Gunners midfielder posted a photoshopped FIFA 14 cover a few weeks back, which showed Samir Nasri and Alex Song and was entitled 'FIFA 14 - Bench Edition'.

Obviously not kept too busy with game time either, Frimpong has again been photoshopping this week, this time poking fun at himself. Frimpong posted another FIFA 14 cover with his own photo and the caption 'Bench Master'.

He included the tag, "One thing people need to know is that I LOVE BANTER copy out November the 16th".

Banter-iffic Emmanuel. If the midfielder keeps producing masterpieces of this ilk, he won't need to worry about his on-pitch minutes.

13. Referee Stephane Jochem (Featured in Football Circus edition 21)

Ligue 1 Referee Sends Off Wrong Player

35 year old Stephane Jochem made his Ligue 1 debut as a referee last weekend during the Valenciennes-Toulousse match.

Having worked his way up from refereeing lower league matches, it should have been a proud moment for the Frenchman.

Instead he managed to embarass himself as after just 37 minutes of play, he sent off the wrong player.

Toulousse defender Steeve Yago had pulled down Valenciennes striker Gregory Pujol in the Toulousse box, resulting in Jochem, rightly, awarding the home side a penalty.

However Jochem then stunned the crowd as he proceeded to show a red card, not to the offending player Yago, but his teammate Uros Spajic. Despite the farcical sending off, Jochem refused to listen to the prostestations of Toulousse players.

Toulousse went on to lose the match 3-0.

Jochem later placed the blame on his fourth official.

12. Aparacidence Masseur (Featured in Football Circus edition 26)

Masseur Incites Mass-Chaos after Double Clearance

Brazil has been the source of manys the Football Circus story and we're happy to say that does not look like stopping any time soon if antics such as what we're about to report continue.

In the last 16 stage of a promotion play-off of Brazil's Serie D, Aparecidence went into their second leg encounter with Tupi with a 1-1 scoreline from the first leg.

The second leg was on a knife edge as Aparecidence looked set to go through on away goals with a 2-2 scoreline. With a minute to go however, Tupi went on the attack and looked almost certain to score only for the Aparecidence masseur to appear on the goalline and make not one, but two clearances!

Enraged with what had happened, the opposition players gave chase to the brave, if foolish masseur, who grabbed his physio kit, jumped over the advertising hoarding and made a quick exit through the tunnel and out of the stadium.

The match continued after riot police had left the pitch and ended a 2-2 draw. Reports in Brazil say Tupi are to appeal the result and we at Football Circus will be shocked if a replay is not awarded.

11. Franck Ribery (Featured in Football Circus edition 10)

Boateng Upsets Ri-BEER-y

Footage of Bayern Munich's post trophy-lifting celebrations from last weekend have been doing the rounds on Youtube this week, in particular this clip where Franck Ribery can be seen running the length of the pitch just to avoid having beer poured over him by his teammates: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNYCgEVkjYM

Ribery was more than aggrieved at their actions as he converted to Islam in 2008 in order to marry his childhood sweetheart. Alcohol is forbidden by the Frenchman's religion and he had forewarned his teammates to keep the alcohol to themselves. They soaked him with beer regardless and Ribery seemed to attribute the blame on defender Jerome Boateng and stated "I'm not going to talk to Boateng again. He knows that I’m Muslim. I’m pi**ed off."

What short-tempered Ribery failed to notice however, was that the beer was in actual fact non-alcoholic (the 'Non-Alcoholic' inscription on the huge glasses the players drank from may have given it away).

Boateng later took to his Twitter account to clarify that peace had been made between the pair "Me and my bro Ribéry everything is Fine it was nonalcohol Beer so all Good". The tweet included a photo of the Bayern duo arm in arm. Ribery could not have stayed angry with a man who wears such ridiculous hipster glasses.

10. Giulio Migliaccio (Featured in Football Circus edition 20)

Italian Football Story of the Week

- Atalanta Up the Ante in Rivalries by introducing a Tank

Italian football fans have always been a bit different to others. Call them fiery, call them passionate, call them crazy, whatever. But when it comes to rivalries, nobody does it better. We recently reported on Lazio fans staging a mock funeral for city rivals Roma in honour of Roma's cup final defeat. Impressive stuff.

Atalanta however, have now been referred to the Disciplinary Commission after new signing Giulio Migliaccio helped drive a tank over cars painted in the colours of rivals Brescia and Roma. The incident took place at the Atalanta fans' pre-season street festival to welcome new signings.

Both the team and Migliaccio himself could be in hot water as they may be charged with bringing the game into disrepute.

Migliaccio, who is a loan signing from Fiorentina for Atalanta, stated via the club's website:

"I was inadvertently the protagonist. In a party atmosphere, in among a huge crowd of fans, including lots of women and children, I was invited on board a tank which has been going around for years at the Festa della Dea, parading players and staff to salute the people.

I certainly could not have imagined that, at a certain stage, we would have crushed two cars taken from the scrap yard. I only realised when we were already going over them and, since I could not see since I was high up and at the back, I did not know that they had the symbols of two football clubs on them.

I’m very sorry about the incident. You just have to think that, in my not-so-brief career as a footballer, I have always been instilled with the values of the sport and with maximum correctness on the field, so much so that I’ve only received one red card, for two yellows, in almost 500 games as a professional footballer".

9. Carl Ikeme (Featured in Football Circus edition 2)

Wolves Keeper Left Howling

Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Nigerian goalkeeper Carl Ikeme will miss the duration of the season following a half time fit of rage.

Ikeme horribly miscontrolled a back pass from defender David Davis during the first half of his side’s 2-1 victory at home to Bristol City. The ball subsequently rolled into his net, giving City a 1-0 half time lead.
Manager Dean Saunders let his feelings about the matter be known in the dressing room, causing Ikeme to punch the tactics board in frustration.

Ikeme’s actions have left him with a broken hand and Wolves now face a goalkeeping crisis going into their final games, with Wayne Hennessey also out through injury.

8. Bertie Bee (Featured in Football Circus edition 33)

UnBEElievable - Burnley Mascot Sent Off

Usually referees reserve red cards for players or occasionally substitutes or even managers. Mascots generally tend to escape the ire of the man who holds the cards. Not Burnley mascot Bertie Bee though. 

Bertie was sent off on Saturday during Burnley's Championship match at Turf Moor against QPR. With just fifteen minutes on the clock, the mascot jokingly produced a pair of glasses for the assistant referee.

While the home crowd were entertained, there was a sting in the tail for Bertie as referee Simon Hooper failed to see the funny side of it and showed Bertie a straight red card.

Burnley went on to win 2-0 but Bertie sadly was seemingly unable to witness the victory, as he tweeted a photo of himself in a cell.

7. Enrico Preziosi (Featured in Football Circus edition 12)

Italian Football Story of the Week

- Genoa President Attacks Journalist

Genoa president Enrico Preziosi is feeling the pressure. He saw his team finish just one spot above relegation this season in Serie A and now amid rumours that he is to sell the club, he has lashed out at a journalist who attempted to confront him regarding the matter.

The journalist from a local newspaper was kicked by Preziosi when he approached him. Preziosi proceeded to prise the journalist's camera from his hands and smash it on the ground. What Preziosi failed to realise was that the fracas was being filmed on a camera phone by an onlooker and can now be seen via the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1JT763mrrY&feature=player_embedded

It's not the first time Preziosi has been under the spotlight for the wrong reasons. He has been fined and banned on numerous occasions during his tenure as Genoa president for actions ranging from entering the field of play and illegal transfer dealings.

A dodgy Italian football president? Who would have thought it?!

6. Nile Ranger (Featured in Football Circus edition 20)

Tyson-esque Tattoo for Ranger

He's the ex-Magpie who now looks like an ex-con. Former Newcastle striker Nile Ranger has got a new tattoo. Of his name. On his head. 

The former Toon Army forward uploaded a picture onto his Instagram account this week of his new ink, his surname 'Ranger' spread across his right temple.

We had considered the headline 'Nile Ranger is an Idiot' for his article, however given the Englishman has the following record, we thought better of it for fear he would hunt us down:

2007 - Convicted for a street robbery, sent to a young offenders prison
2011 - Arrested on suspicion of assault, however he was later cleared
2011 - Charged for being drunk and disorderly in public
2012 - Convicted for being drunk and disorderly
2012 - Charged by the F.A. for homophobic comments on Twitter
2013 - Arrested for breach of bail terms
2013 - Arrested and charged for criminal damage, later cleared
2013 - Arrested and charged with rape
2013 - Arrested for assault

Ranger also has a smiley face tattooed on the inside of his lower lip. 

Ranger has played for the England under-19'S and was released by Newcastle in March this year. His criminal record surely will not have helped and he has not found a club since. His new tattoo on his temple will surely classify him as a sane, upstanding member of society and he will not be waiting long to be snapped up.

Ranger commented on his Instragram account: "My name RINGS BELLS #POWERFUL #RANGER #INKKING". Indeed.

5. Jose Jiminez (Featured in Football Circus edition 13)

Footballer Throws Dog, Fans Infuriated

Nothing says Football Circus like a dog on a football pitch. If you can throw in a sending off for good measure, all the better. Although if the sending off involved a player throwing said dog violently against a fence by the neck, we're not so keen.

Bella Vista took on San Juan in a fourth division Argentine league encounter last weekend. A stray dog somehow made its way onto the pitch as the match progressed. Eager not to have play held up, Bella Vista forward Jose Jimenez ran towards the dog, picked it up by the neck in what appeared to be some form of choke hold, and flung the defenseless animal against the wire fencing that separated the fans from the pitch. It was apparent that Jimenez had intended to throw the dog over and not against the fence in order to remove him from the field of play.

However the manner in which Jimenez went about removing the dog was met with immediate disdain from both the fans and opposition players alike. A water bottle was thrown towards him and as he walked back across the pitch he was surrounded by angry players from San Juan. 

The referee did not appreciate Jimenez's attempt to rid the pitch of the dog either and showed him a straight red card.

Jimenez said of the incident "The referee made me nervous. I wasn't trying to hurt the dog, I just wanted to remove it because the (San Juan) fans sent it onto the field to waste time."

His meek attempt at an apology did not go far however and he has now been dropped from the Bella Vista squad. San Juan ran out 2-1 victors and more importantly, the dog escaped uninjured.

4. Josip Gaspar (Featured in Football Circus edition 6)

Croatian Coach Drunk with Power

The coach of Croatian side Precko was relieved of his duties over the Easter period after it was discovered that he had stolen the credit card of one of his players from the team dressing room.

To make matters worse, he then used to card to buy a whopping 36 one litre bottles of Jagermeister, valued at over €500.

The man in question, Josip Gaspar, who turned out 420 times for Dinamo Zagreb, may have believed it was the perfect crime. 

He departed a Precko team training session early, feigning illness. Instead of making the journey home, he took a detour to the nearest off-licence where he used the stolen card to complete the transaction. He then audaciously traveled to a second shop in the hope of repeating the crime.

It was not long however before he was identified on CCTV footage and was swiftly arrested thereafter.

3. Arsenal Fan Henry Dhabasani (Featured in Football Circus edition 35)

Ugandan Fan Bets his House on Arsenal...And Loses It

There's belief in your team and then there's stupidity. Unfortunately, this is a tale of the latter. Ugandan newspaper The Observer has this week reported on Arsenal fan and Ugandan native, Henry Dhabasani, who staked his house on a Gunners victory against Man United on Sunday. 

Dhabasani foolishly got into a heated debate in his home town of Iganga with United diehard Rashid Yiga. Dhabasani insisted league leaders Arsenal would get the victory while Yiga favoured the Red Devils.

This was not your average football talk in the pub between rival fans though. Both fans were so confident that their respective team would taste victory, that they decided to put a little wager on it. Dhabasani would hand over his house if United won and were Arsenal to win, Yiga would part with his Toyota Premio car. Oh and his wife as well.

The obsessed pair went as far as to sign documents in front of other fans and local leaders. United went on to win the match 1-0. Far from dismissing the bet as pre-match banter between friends, Dhabasani would not be let forget his gamble.

The Observer reported:

"Dhabasani, married to three wives with five children, fainted at the end of the match on realising Arsenal had lost the game 1–0.

On Monday, several Manchester United fans stormed Dhabasani’s home and threw him and his family out".

There is no word as yet on whether Dhabasani will be putting any of his three wives up for grabs for Arsenal's next game.

2. Nicklas Bendtner (Featured in Football Circus edition 1)

Bendtner features almost as regularly on Football Circus as Mario Balotelli and Emmanuel Frimpong. While Balotelli is more of an entertainer than a clown and Frimpong seems to limit his clown-like antics to Instagram and Twitter, Bendtner reguarlarly makes a clown of himself. Getting caught on cam saying the Man City tunnel "stinks of piss" or getting caught on cam smashing up his apartment complex gym, public humiliation seems to be his specialty. Bendtner in fact, featured in our very first blog with the following story:

The Bender to end all Bendtners

Juventus’ on loan Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner’s recent drink driving charge was not the last bad news the Dane received in recent weeks.

Unfortunately for Bendtner, he seems to have become a laughing stock in his native Denmark following his arrest and suspension from driving. Copenhagen shops have reported huge sales of a toy set which contains a figurine of the player, a toy car and a beer bottle fridge opener.

But the humiliation doesn’t stop there. Loan club Juventus have announced that they have not sold a single shirt bearing his name since his arrival at the start of the season.

Surely Arsenal will welcome him back this summer with open arms. Right?

And so it's time to crown the winner of the Football Circus 'Golden Clown Show Award' 2013. Competition was tough, that we can't deny. The preceding fifteen clowns on this list, along with so many others who have been featured on our blog this year, were all in with a shout. But this story stuck out in our minds. It was possibly our favourite story to report this year and the player in question is hands down, an out and out clown. Congratulations Ousmane Drame...

1. Ousmane Drawe (Featured in Football Circus edition 7)

Italian Football Story of the Week

- Have you the one about the Thieving Footballer, the Prostitute, the iPhone, the Bicycle and the Transvestite?

We won't lie. Some weeks at Football Circus, we question why we ever created the Italian Football Story of the Week. There are times when Italian Football and all that surrounds it can border on the dull - 'slow news weeks' if you will. Then something like this crops up...

20 year old Lecce striker Ousmane Drame has not featured much for the Lega Pro Prima Divisione team this season, racking up a grand total of just 25 minutes playing time. Perhaps disillusioned by his lack of onfield action, young Drame decided to venture elsewhere for some action, namely the streets of Porta Rudiae in Lecce where he encountered a lady of the night.

Footballers' wages may not be quite what they're cracked upto be, as Frenchman Drame allegedly agreed to pay the prostitute in the form of an iPhone 5. After Drame had ahem, done the deed, he not only failed to live upto his part of the deal, but went on to steal the handbag and cash of the prostitute.

Drame then attempted to flee the scene by bicycle (Wayne Rooney never seemed to have all this trouble during his infamous escapades). No sooner had the cheeky scamp's getaway began though, than a transvestite friend of the victimised prostitute twigged what had happened and gave chase to footballer.

A two-way wrestle for the stolen goods ensued between Drame and the transvestite Police were alerted and the Lecce player was arrested shortly thereafter. Not only was he charged with theft but also with injuring the transvestite who had been hurt during the furore.
You just couldn't make it up.

So that concludes our very first Golden Clown Shoe Awards and indeed, Football Circus for 2013. Before we go though, we have promised to give you a glimpse of our new Artist's Impression segment which will feature in the blog in 2013. So here it is. We hope you've enjoyed the blog throughout the year. Thanks to all who have read, be it regularly. A special thanks also to all of you who have supported the blog since we started in March, you know who you are. We hope you continue reading in 2014, when we return with plenty more stories of football absurdity.

Artist's Impression

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